A reason

So, I think we finally know how, and why, we lost you, Matt. Its long, so bear with me.

I mentioned that before Pineapple was born, we had a bad time. We were investigated for recurrent miscarriages, after Hoshi, Sitara, Astra and Star. It was devastating, and hard to understand what the doctors meant when we were told it was 'good news' that no cause could be found. What they meant was, it was just very 'bad luck'. We had a very good chance of having a baby, and Pineapple proved them right.

What I suspect now, is a subtle twist. If we were 'unlucky' to have all those miscarriages, we are certainly so lucky to have Pineapple. And I mean, at all.

After three of the four miscarriages I was admitted to hospital for d+c's. In turn, Pineapple's own birth was legendarily quick for a first birth.

At your autopsy, the results were ambiguous. Either there had been a weakness in the cervix which caused premature labour, and also allowed in infection, or infection caused the cervix to open prematurely leading to premature delivery. Because we had Pineapple, the first theory was largely discounted. She too, the argument went, would have suffered the same fate if it was down to a weak cervix.

However, as there was no certainty I would be monitored for both (susceptibility to infection and a weak cervix) in any subsequent pregnancy. Again, as before, your loss was down to 'bad luck'.

It was hard to swallow. Not just because my glass is half full, but just calculating the odds had my head reeling.

Just how unlucky are we talking here?

Well, depends how you calculate it, but for 4 miscarriages in a row that could be 1:160,000.

For those plus a mid trimester loss that could be 1:40,000,000. Very high odds. But I have met other similar unfortunate women in chatrooms. Its unusual but I am defintely not alone...

I started doing the lottery after the early miscarriages to allow some good luck for a change, after all this talk of 'bad luck'. I still do it now.

Later, pregnant again and in front of the French gynae, the reaction was similar, if less equivocal. It was almost certainly infection. A sad one-off. But they would still monitor me for changes in the cervix, and only put in a stitch if absolutely necessary. They were definitely not keen on a preemptive stitch due to known side effects - miscarriage and chance of infection.

I had wanted one all the same. Having been exposed once was enough, and I would take the risk. However I was satisfied after I adjusted to the change in nuance - they key would be in the monitoring.

By by 15 weeks, to the obvious surprise of the doc, the cervix was showing signs of weakness. I was operated on at 16 weeks, and it had already started to open, labour was starting.

A very close call. And I can't yet use the past tense.

I am still in hospital now for monitoring, at 17 weeks. The fear is that the operation itself could cause premature labour, or introduce infection. This is so horribly familiar. But it is not the same, and for everybody's sanity I have to remember that.

Back to the recurrent miscarriages. While there is not much risk associated with d+c, three or more can give an increased risk of a weak cervix in 12% of cases. But the key to me has always been Pineapple's sudden appearance on the scene. I have long mused that although her birth seemed quick, that was just the part we were actually aware of. Labour may well have started earlier while we were having dinner with friends. Silently, painlessly.

So for you, and for this little one, labour also started silently and painlessly, but so sadly, too early in the gestation. Perhaps Pineapple's speedy birth further weakened the neck of the womb. Whatever - it IS possible to have a weak cervix and to have previously delivered at term, to all the experts apparent surprise.

It does not lessen the pain, but I feel strangely at peace that we know more of the story. Bizarrely that peace is even despite the current threat to this pregnancy. But that's what a pregnancy is like after a loss: one foot in the past, grieving and trying to understand, one foot tentatively daring to hope for something different.

In time I will also rage at the heavens and shout at the mountains that your loss was so meaningless. All because of elective surgery, following a suite of miscarriages which, in turn were just down to 'bad luck'.

How twisted is that? I cannot even begin to imagine what I am going to make of that, when I come off this cloud.

But I do not really believe in 'bad luck'.

Not to that degree. It should be recognised for what it is: a lack of complete knowledge and not enough research. No doubt in 100 years people will look back and wonder that we went through so much due to our technological ignorance.

In the meantime, though, I will still do the lottery.